Last night when I went to bed I thought I would write about priorities and determining what is important in your life. But as I set off on my run this morning and breathed in the air coming off the Pacific Ocean my goal a loop to the Golden Gate Bridge I realized that by living with the mentality that I must accomplish as much as possible to prove that I am worthy of taking up space I was missing out on the opportunity to be inspired even in the smallest ways.
In the few days since I wrote my first blog entry I had formed an idea of what “this” journey would be. Dissect my life, interpret meaning, form a hypothesis and essentially write a college thesis. But this morning, instead of feeling the impact of the pavement in my legs the impact that I was overcome with was that I had built a very pretty, safe, comfortable life. Oh a happy life, but a safe one! I had forgotten how to be inspired, impulsive, to be present in each moment not planning the next.
Suddenly I found myself smiling at each person I passed, hearing inspiration in the music… “cause there’s no stopping us right now,” “the club can’t even handle me right now,” “there’s got to be so much more to this life,” “This one’s for you and me living out our dreams we’re all right where we should be.” From Noah and the Whale, Flo Rider and even Eminem — I was inspired by the lyrics. Was I starving for inspiration or could I feel the excitement, self assuredness when you just know you’ve it?
Until the age of twenty I considered myself an introvert and bathed myself in materials that would inspire me out of my melancholy. Novels where the female lead had to go through something terrible, only to come out on top. I cried during movies, I wrote bad break-up poetry and I focused on all I didn’t have. One day during my junior year of college I really looked at myself in the mirror and decided that it was time to stop trying to make everyone like me, all that mattered was that I liked me. It was a life altering moment for me.
I continued to crave inspiration but found it by engaging with people out in the world and doing things just because they sounded fun and/or right. I finger painted, sent homemade cards, picked up and moved to Seattle because one day while driving home from my job on Angel, God told me to… three months later I found the man I would later marry.
I tell you all of this because it’s important to the journey. I searched for myself, for love and total acceptance by another, found it all and then somewhere along the way I forgot about the need to be inspired by life outside my marriage. I forgot to search for more meaning in life –It seemed unfair for me to ask for more when I had so much. Not a day passes that I am not grateful, thankful and so aware of how good I have it. And yet…there’s got to be more to this life.